Sunday, 15 May 2011

Back to the future? No! Let's stick to the present!

I know!  It's been an age! 

I'm not sure why that is, maybe just that life has got in the way somewhat....or is that just an excuse!  I do that with mindfulness sometimes.  I really do need to finish this episode of Emmerdale before I meditate! No honestly.....that ironing really is my priority (as is emptying the bin, decorating!!!  Both of which I hate but they are good excuses!)  It sounds like I don't like meditating which is ridiculous because I love it, it's so calming and has changed my life in many ways.  But there is just this little voice in my head (actually, it's like having a Good Buddha and Bad Buddha on my shoulder, whispering.....). Good Buddha says, you know you will feel so much calmer if you do half an hours meditating?  Bad Buddha replies, yeah but think what you might miss on Twitter!!!  It's really happening on there!!!  Good Buddha says, well ok then, if you can't do half an hour, how about being kind to yourself and just doing 20 mins?  Bad Buddha says, nah!  It's hardly worth it - do it later, tomorrow, next week, you're only playing at it anyway!!!  At this point, Good Buddha interjects, punching Bad Buddha on the nose and shouting, "She is not playing at it, that's just a critical, judgemental thought and we don't do those!  She's trying really hard at this and it's important to her so STOP distracting her and filling her head with negativity!   Good Buddha then recovers her composure, dusts down her ....(whispered aside...what do Buddha's wear?  Is it a tabard...No!!  A toga?  I think it might be a toga, gosh I really should do my research) dusts down her toga (???) and being totally accepting of herself, doesn't judge herself for having "gone off on one", gently saying "Missy, just do it" and I am!

It's been an important week in our household for two very different reasons and I think it highlights the benefits of being mindful and "living in the moment".

I've been to hospital this week with my dad who'd had a screening test for cancer which had thrown up an anomaly.  Now, with older parents you expect that there are going to be health issues but cancer is in a league of it's own!  My mum couldn't bring herself to say the word, thinking that if she said it, then it would happen!  Anyway, I go with them, a 3rd pair of ears because I know when you are at hospital having tests you can be so stressed you don't hear a word. He has the tests, reassured and supported by the most wonderful doctor and staff (for some people it really is a vocation isn't it - you can just see it in their eyes and their whole demeanour - like a stick of Blackpool rock with "caring" written all the way through!)  At the end, the doctor drew up a chair (an alarm bell rang).  It's not as good as we'd hoped he said!  (a cacophony of bells) I felt calm.  He explained more.  I breathed and still felt calm (what's going on, I'm normally catastrophising by this stage!!).  Now I don't know if it was the reassuring support of the doctor and staff who explained things so clearly and gently, painting a clear picture of the problem and how it would be dealt with, or my continued mindfulness practice but somehow, I was able to take a step back, observe the situation and not allow my thoughts to pull me into some negative narrative that didn't have a happy ending!  In this moment, I was able to see that dad had a problem and the medical staff were going to try and fix it!  Result!  I felt like I'd come of age!  So fingers crossed, dad will have his treatment and be fine!  And I am so grateful to mindfulness for giving me the skills I needed to handle such a difficult situation.

And finally, FA cup final week in our house.  35 years of waiting for a trophy!  My husband was beside himself!  He's been a bag of nerves, distracted, edgy!  There's hardly been a smile cracking his lovely face!  I can see in his eyes that he's been in the future all week, somewhere around the 89th minute of the game, with City 1-0 up and he dares to allow himself the possibility of winning!!   But then, his own Bad Buddha has been tagging along all week and he's not been whispering....oh no ...he's been shouting!!  City win the FA cup!  Don't make me laugh!  You will never win anything AGAIN!   You can't win, you're not allowed to win, you City fans have to have something to moan about, and joke about in the self deprecating, City way!  It's the law!  And with that he swooshes his toga (for he wears one also) over his ample girth and grins menacingly!!!  So it's 1pm and coverage starts, D makes excuses not to watch the preamble, helping me clean the house (oh the things we do to distract ourselves!!).  Eventually, 3 O Clock arrives and we watch with bated breath.  The minutes tick by, first half over (we're playing well?!!!  There's a tinge of relief but we need a goal!).  Just when we think it's never gonna happen and we (mentally) fast forward half an hour seeing the agony that is...extra time and penalties!! City score!  I scream and D makes a sound like a possessed hyena!  But on no,  we've still got 15 mins to play!  D paces the lounge, I tap my legs randomly!  It gets closer and closer, D watches less and less until finally after several last minute corners (to Stoke) the ref blows and they have done it!

D is elated!  Followed by deflated!  I fear that he has lived this match and the outcome so many times in his head he can't now deal with the reality of it!  35 years of waiting and he can't enjoy the moment!  I'm sure he's not alone!

Back to the future anyone!  Nah!  I'll stick with the present thank you!

Have a good week.

Mindfulmissy xxxx